Can you ever know someone completely?

The question that I pose is: Can you ever know someone completely? My answer is – I certainly hope not!

Why would you want to know someone completely? What is in it for you? No more enigma, no more surprise. No more thoughts of “what’s next”… How boring it must be!

Given, you need to know at least a few little things about a person you want to marry or otherwise spend your life with, need to find out the things that you can’t live with and the things you can’t live without. You have to know the fundamental differences and similarities between you. You need to know if your potential mate is an axe murderer. Wanted by the police? For sure, you need to know that. What about HIV status? I am sure that is high on everyone’s list.

But honestly, before getting married or otherwise hitching up, does it really matter if she had a Barbie doll when she was 7? Or that he had his appendix removed when he was 16? What about having 2 false teeth? What about being Victor Lodorum in school? NO! You don’t need to know this before committing! That is the fun of being with the one you love – you get to learn something new, every day!

After all, you want to do this for your entire life (the commitment, I mean). Well, at least most of us do. Most of us do not think – “Hey, I will date this person for a while, until I am bored” and those that do, have decided already that you can know someone completely right from the start. Skip the boredome! Leave something for the future. Grow old together, and die old, one day, thinking – I wonder what colour dress that Barbie doll had on?

Ciao!

Love eternal

Ah, the ever elusive concept of eternal love. Does eternal love between lovers exist? The short answer is YES. But what about the long answer? ABSOLUTELY! Well, technically speaking the one answer is short and the other one is long. So bite me!

But before you can really know for sure about eternal love, you have to ask yourself WHAT is eternal love. How do you practise it? How do you get it?

You practise it by being absolutely dedicated to the one you love. Consider everything you do and say in such a way that you would be happy if someone did that to you. Scold them? Would you like to be scolded at? Cheat them? Would you like to be cheated upon? Ignore them? Mistreat them? Make them sad? Make them cry? That is the simple recipe, and I have the answer, straight from various religious sources: Do unto others as you would want done unto yourself.

So easy in theory, isn’t it? 🙂

Ghosts from the past

Just as E.’s face appeared to me in a dream shortly after I have met her, her face is now gone again. I have a weird dream that I have quite often. I can recall 6 times that I had this particular dream, always the same, except twice, both of them concerning E. The first one, I saw her face, as her back was turned to me, face sideways, and now, I had the dream again, again different, her body towards me, but as I reach her, she turns around, and vanishes. Here is the basic dream:

I dream I am walking in some serene and calm place, may be a tropical island. I see a topless woman standing in front of me, but her back is towards me. She seems familiar, but I can’t see her face. I see her long, straight, dark hair blowing in the wind. Usually when I get to the girl, I wake up, without seeing her face. Only when I met E., I realized where this dream comes from: it comes from one of my favourite Afrikaans songs, called “Droomvrou”, which means “Dream Woman”, and the words describe a woman standing with her back towards the man, but he feels he knows her, even though he never sees her face. Interesting how music can influence you so profoundly!

In E.’s case I saw her face clearly the first time I have dreamt this dream about her. The second time was actually completely different, though the same scenery. I had the following dream last night:

Again my serene and calm place. Again a woman standing in front of me. This time, her body is turned towards me, still naked, but the nudity is blurred. I walk towards her, and when I reach her, she turns around and vanishes.

I woke up startled, wondering what that meant, and after writing down the dream (scared I will forget it), it dawned on me what it meant, at least what I thought it meant. She is out of my life, and my soul is beginning to accept this fact. I have already given up on getting her back – I knew that was not going to happen, but I never gave up on getting a friendship going with her again (my previous blog posts will show just that…). Just about a week ago, I still posted about this friendship that I so desperately long for, as I feel we had a very special connection. I was still fired up about keeping the friendship alive.

But now it is done.

Suddenly it is all clear to me. Why be friends with someone who does not want to be your friend? Sometimes you REALLY have to cut your losses and move on. MOVE ON! That time has come for me. I am free.

Perhaps my planned career change has something to do with this new mindset – the thought of leaving the old behind and embrace the new. I am attempting to exchange the comfort zone of a fixed salary each month for a fluctuating income and being my own boss. If things go well, I will leave my day job by the end of December. My new venture starts 1st of September. So, just as I plan to leave the old job behind, I am leaving E. behind now. Deleting phone numbers and throwing out all memories and souvenirs that remind me of her. It is now her choice entirely to get over her grudge against me. E. is now a ghost from my past. But she is not a poltergeist. She is not haunting me anymore.

Until the next time…

Is romance dead?

I had an earlier post where I said that romance is a key ingredient to any successful relationship between lovers. But I am starting to wonder if I am not too romantic. Is there such a thing as too romantic? If you believe the girls I have tried to date, probably yes.

With my previous love, I made a mistake. I moved in too quick. I rushed things. E., I am sorry. I messed up something great for both of us. But, what happened last night baffles me. I am truly amazed. I went on my first date since E. and I broke up. Me and this lady friend C. had a wonderful time talking on the phone and texting each other. There were even hints that we liked each other, but it was only subtle hints, such as “I can not wait to see you” and things like that. Nothing serious.

So – last night was this date with C. We went to watch Rugby. Her brother is playing for the first team of their local club. True to my romantic self, I bought her flowers. No, not red roses. No, no romantic card dictating my ever burning love to her. No, I did not even give her a kiss when I gave it to her. I have not even held her hand once during the entire evening (maybe that was the mistake? Not holding hands?)

At one stage it was starting to be really cold (it is Winter in South Africa, and I have some sort of cold or flu…) so, I said that I want to go sit and watch the game from inside my car (I had a prime parking spot next to the field, so we do not miss any of the action) but she did not want to come and wanted to stay with her friends next to the cold field, so I went alone. Another situation where I think I showed her that I am not attached to the seam of her dress, so to speak – I do my own thing, and she can join me if she wish or not if she does not want to.

After a while though, I thought I would text her to find out if she thought I was rude for leaving the side of the field to go to my car. She responded, but not with an answer. Her response was: I am going to be really honest with you. I do not feel the same about you as you feel about me. There can be nothing between us. And I was like WTF? and responded with That is okay. You are nice and all, but I also think there is something missing. Just out of curiosity, how do you think I feel about you? No response. I went out to the field again in the cold and stood next to her and her friends and watched her and her friends’ reactions closely. Trying to figure out what sparked that kind of text message from her – maybe some group pressure from her friends? (Am I just being paranoid now?) I could not see anything in particular that was out of place, so I continued watching the last 15 minutes of the game next to the field, and said goodbye to her friends and her, and asked her to walk with me for a bit.

I asked her again what I asked in the text message. Again avoiding the answer. So I gave her the answer: I am not in love with you, but I think there is potential for us to be together over time. Good answer, right? Wrong? Maybe. I do not know.

On my way home from the game, she sent me a message, and her message was something in the line of Sorry about what I said. I was just caught off guard with the flowers. Sleep tight. Now this can mean many things. Sorry about saying at she does not feel the same way I do, supposedly, or does it mean sorry for ever saying anything to hint that she actually may like me. I do not know, and again, she is avoiding the topic. Some people deal with problems by ignoring them. It is an effective tactic in some cases, but does not work all the time. Will it work this time? Perhaps, because I really can not be bothered with trying to sort this misunderstanding out – our friendship is way too young to take so much investment from me if she can not be honest with me.

So – where does the subject of this post come in? It comes from this response of hers. I was just caught off guard with the flowers. While I agree that sending flowers in its most basic form (no card with nice words, no ceremony in handing them over) is a romantic situation of some kind, but that is really mild. I opted for some imported flower from Madagaskar of some kind together with some blue Irises, pink cellophane and lime green ribbon. Bright colours, but nothing indicating burning love. If anything, I stayed away from a lot of red, the colour of love. So – if this simple gesture caught her off guard, I assume that she is not used to receiving flowers “just because”. How sad.

And this is why I ask if romance is dead? Are males so unromantic these days that women gets frightened when a man is even mildly romantic? Us men have only ourselves to blame if my hypothesis is true. If my hypothesis is NOT true, on the other hand, what could it be? Drop my a line if you have an answer for me, please, and I will post your response here. I have disabled comments because I like to have my posts out there for a few days so that I can think about them myself first… 🙂 To contact me, use the contact link in the navigation bar.

The hurt in the past

Having never liked jazzy music before, I have only recently discovered how delightful Norah Jones is. In particularly her songs “I Don’t Know Why” and “Come Away With Me”, however, the song I want to talk about today is sung by Norah, but written by Hank Williams, called “Cold Cold Heart”. I have been through a few breakups where these were the words I have been looking for to say, but couldn’t find them. Now I have them for future reference. 🙂 These words hit me right in the mind with their simplicity, yet deep, deep meaning.

Song: Cold Cold Heart
Writer: Hank Williams
Singer: Norah Jones

I tried so hard my dear to show that you’re my every dream.
Yet you’re afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now for things I didn’t do
In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

You’ll never know how much it hurts to see you sat and cry
You know you need and want my love yet you’re afraid to try
Why do you run and hide from lies, to try it just ain’t smart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you, the more we drift apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

What do you miss the most?

When asked by someone you once dated what you miss most about that person, it is frowned upon if you say that you miss the physical intimacy most. Usually you will say something like you are missing the conversations. You are missing the fun you have had at the ice rink. You miss the dancing.

In a previous post I said I missed the dancing the most. While that was close, I do feel I have to change my mind. I miss the physical intimacy the most. Hmmm. Let me explain why. During times of intimacy is the only time she lets her guard down completely. She gives herself fully to you. She knows she is being taken care of and she lives herself into the moment. Well, at least that has been the case for me mostly. Maybe you are not so lucky (or unlucky, depends on your view…).

So – next time someone asks you what you miss most, think carefully.

My Claudia Schiffer

In the movie Love Actually, Daniel is mourning the death of his wife, Joanna. To mask his sadness, he talks about how he would not want anyone to be his date for his wife’s funeral, unless it was Claudia Schiffer.

As the movie progresses, he mentions Claudia Schiffer a few more times, and it becomes evident that Claudia Schiffer would be, besides his beloved Joanna, the person he would most like to be with. She is his fantasy girl.

As it works in fantasy movies, he laters bumps into Claudia. For real. But – in the movie she does not play herself. She plays Carol. One of his stepson Sam’s school friends’ mother. Obviously she is not Claudia Schiffer in terms of the story, but there is an immediate attraction between Carol and Daniel.

Why am I telling you all this? Because Carol is NOT Claudia Schiffer. And she is NOT supposed to resemble Claudia Schiffer in person but Daniel’s Claudia Schiffer. Daniel’s fantasy girl. All of us have our fantasy Claudia Schiffer or our own Brad Pitt or Elizabeth Taylor in her youth, even if he has a beer belly, or she has more wrinkles than a Shar-pei, he or she is out there somewhere, for love is blind…

Dealing with the loss of love: the substitute

Disclaimer: Most of my posts have disclaimers nowadays. Haha. Well, anyways, the disclaimer here means simply that if this is not done correctly, it can backfire on you. Always consider the feelings of the other person involved, and be true to your own feelings and honest to yourself and your friend before trying this techique. It is important however, that you are only in a platonic relationship with this person, so that this does not create false illusions of romance or deceive your friend. If the other person feels romantically inclined towards you, this can damage or totally ruin the friendship, and should not be done! So – it is better to be honest with this person to tell him or her your intentions. This technique works for me, and may or may not work for anyone else, so do not hold me to this! Here goes…

I have found, besides anger (as described in the post directly below this one), that there is another way to deal with the loss of your lover: a substitute lover. No, this does not mean lover as perceived from the name I have given this tactic. It is not a real lover. It is also not a rebound girl. I am not talking about getting a lady of the trade either. What I am talking about is to get someone to do things that lovers usually do together, with one exception – remove the physical intimacy part.

How do you do this? Ask your substitute lover to go walking in a mall with you or go eat out at a romantic restaurant. Do silly lover-things such as smelling perfume testers, or eating by candle light, hook arms while you laugh or chat, or whatever, to simulate that you are with a lover. This will partially fill that void by the lover that has departed.

Another positive thing that may come from this approach, is that in time, as you heal from your current loss, this friendship of yours may bloom into a real intimate relationship, since you are doing a lot of more-than-friends things with this person and really get to know this person in another way that you usually will not.

I will never love again! Right!

I can only feel sorry for people who say I will never trust anyone enough again to love them, because I have been hurt too many times (or something similar).

My motto in this situation is to deal with it, and deal with it decisively. There is absolutely nothing wrong with mourning over the loss of someone special after a breakup. You may even call that person names (only in your mind, of course, if you wish to remain friends with that person). Mourn, deal, get over it, and move on. Do not make your suffering more than what is absolutely necessary.

People having this attitude also often feel that they cannot move back to being friends with the person they were with after the breakup. Nonsense. The key is to deal with your loss and grief before attempting a friendship. By dealing with it, getting over it, and then re-establishing a friendship, you may actually be surprised at the possible benefits of being mature about it all:

  • Sharing good times with someone you really care about, by giving up a small part of that person (the lovers part of the relationship) and focusing on all the other special things about that person.
  • Being the eternal optimist, I also believe that there might be a slight chance of getting that person back again, but that would depend on the situation, and how you deal with it. Of course, it goes without saying, that you should not particularly wait too long for that person, as your life goes on, friend! Be a friend. A good friend. Have good times together. Date others. Have fun. If you are lucky, you may actually be happy, or even get that person back.

So, next time you hear someone say those words, maybe you can refer them to this blog, and maybe they can get some sense into their troubled minds.

By the time of writing, I have just started to get used to the fact that I have lost the love of my life, and my soulmate. I had no idea why she broke up, and I asked some questions. I asked REALLY bad questions, and I think I may have made permanent damage in the relationship. But that is a story for another blog post.

Romance

I have realized something:

I have yet to meet a woman who does not like romance. It is needless to say that being romantic should not be the only quality you possess, but in my opinion, that is a very important one. I have used all my resources to get ideas of romantic things to do for the lady in my life. Times that it were not appreciated were rare, and the benefits gained from it are too much to quantify.

Perhaps if more people were romantic more often, their relationships would last longer…?