The hurt in the past

Having never liked jazzy music before, I have only recently discovered how delightful Norah Jones is. In particularly her songs “I Don’t Know Why” and “Come Away With Me”, however, the song I want to talk about today is sung by Norah, but written by Hank Williams, called “Cold Cold Heart”. I have been through a few breakups where these were the words I have been looking for to say, but couldn’t find them. Now I have them for future reference. 🙂 These words hit me right in the mind with their simplicity, yet deep, deep meaning.

Song: Cold Cold Heart
Writer: Hank Williams
Singer: Norah Jones

I tried so hard my dear to show that you’re my every dream.
Yet you’re afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now for things I didn’t do
In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

You’ll never know how much it hurts to see you sat and cry
You know you need and want my love yet you’re afraid to try
Why do you run and hide from lies, to try it just ain’t smart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you, the more we drift apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

I will never love again! Right!

I can only feel sorry for people who say I will never trust anyone enough again to love them, because I have been hurt too many times (or something similar).

My motto in this situation is to deal with it, and deal with it decisively. There is absolutely nothing wrong with mourning over the loss of someone special after a breakup. You may even call that person names (only in your mind, of course, if you wish to remain friends with that person). Mourn, deal, get over it, and move on. Do not make your suffering more than what is absolutely necessary.

People having this attitude also often feel that they cannot move back to being friends with the person they were with after the breakup. Nonsense. The key is to deal with your loss and grief before attempting a friendship. By dealing with it, getting over it, and then re-establishing a friendship, you may actually be surprised at the possible benefits of being mature about it all:

  • Sharing good times with someone you really care about, by giving up a small part of that person (the lovers part of the relationship) and focusing on all the other special things about that person.
  • Being the eternal optimist, I also believe that there might be a slight chance of getting that person back again, but that would depend on the situation, and how you deal with it. Of course, it goes without saying, that you should not particularly wait too long for that person, as your life goes on, friend! Be a friend. A good friend. Have good times together. Date others. Have fun. If you are lucky, you may actually be happy, or even get that person back.

So, next time you hear someone say those words, maybe you can refer them to this blog, and maybe they can get some sense into their troubled minds.

By the time of writing, I have just started to get used to the fact that I have lost the love of my life, and my soulmate. I had no idea why she broke up, and I asked some questions. I asked REALLY bad questions, and I think I may have made permanent damage in the relationship. But that is a story for another blog post.

Lost the one I love…

In spite of everything I tried, the love of my life recently broke up with me, and I have a hard time dealing with it. Initially it was because she could not give me a real reason that satisfy my need for an answer, and now it is because I sent her a mail to ask her for reasons why, and I messed up royally. I am no better off than I was directly after the breakup, although the reasons have now changed from feeling sorry for myself, to feeling sad that I have hurt her in the process.

I have decided I want to stay friends with her, because I am losing only about half of what we had. There is so much more than just the relationship part. We were actually getting along very well and had a lot in common (although she sometimes felt I was changing myself to be likable to her, a statement which I detest, as I am my own person. It only happens that we have so much in common naturally that it may feel to her that this is the case…). But I cannot do this before I have made peace with the fact that it is over between us, and that we will not get back together (no matter how much I would hope for that to happen), and also, I cannot do this until she has forgiven me for my hurtful questions.

I figure that with losses such as these you have about 75% ego problems. You are sad for YOUR loss. That person is not necessarily sad, so it is your own ego and your own needs that make you unhappy about the loss. Then you go through a phase where you feel that you were not good enough for that person. Again your own ego. If you think clearly about this, you may notice some mistakes you have made, but overall, if you feel that you did the best that you could, this feeling is not justified at all!

Sometimes during this process, you also go through a stage that you are BETTER than that person, such as She was not worthy of me anyways, so good luck and good riddance to you! and that is ALSO your ego trying to intimidate you, or falsely pacify you. Whether this is wrong or not, I cannot determine 100% certainly yet, although I am starting to feel more negative towards this phenomenon, however, it is just your way to make you feel better with it and deal with it, no matter how twisted it is.

Then there is anger. The anger of being dumped (or that someone died, or whatever…). One way I deal with loss like this is to vent my anger on my Rugby ball, or put on some angry music such as Rammstein or Radiohead (a little milder) on full blast, and shout as loud as I can to get it out of my system. This seems to work wonderfully for me, and I often feel a lot better after such a session. It does not last forever though, and when I feel that way again, I just follow the procedure again. It is better than letting it bundle up inside me and become a walking time bomb…

I am still trying to figure out any additional steps, not sure if there are any, and I am sure that the order in which any of these happen is not fixed. Some may experience the anger first, or others the self-loathing for being inferior.

I have disabled comments on my blog posts, simply because I like to write my thoughts down first, and then if I have thought about this myself, I may open it up for comments from others, to see what they think about my problem/philosophy/thought/whatever. So – if you have a comment to leave me, for now, use the contact form.

I strongly believe in what Descartes said: I think, therefore I am. If I let everyone else solve my problems for me, I am violating that rule. I let others think for me, and therefore they are. Of course, they have the right to be, but I should not allow them to be at the expense of myself, or on my behalf 😉 Okay – that may have some potential for a philosophy or psychological topic as well. Maybe more later 🙂