In spite of everything I tried, the love of my life recently broke up with me, and I have a hard time dealing with it. Initially it was because she could not give me a real reason that satisfy my need for an answer, and now it is because I sent her a mail to ask her for reasons why, and I messed up royally. I am no better off than I was directly after the breakup, although the reasons have now changed from feeling sorry for myself, to feeling sad that I have hurt her in the process.
I have decided I want to stay friends with her, because I am losing only about half of what we had. There is so much more than just the relationship part. We were actually getting along very well and had a lot in common (although she sometimes felt I was changing myself to be likable to her, a statement which I detest, as I am my own person. It only happens that we have so much in common naturally that it may feel to her that this is the case…). But I cannot do this before I have made peace with the fact that it is over between us, and that we will not get back together (no matter how much I would hope for that to happen), and also, I cannot do this until she has forgiven me for my hurtful questions.
I figure that with losses such as these you have about 75% ego problems. You are sad for YOUR loss. That person is not necessarily sad, so it is your own ego and your own needs that make you unhappy about the loss. Then you go through a phase where you feel that you were not good enough for that person. Again your own ego. If you think clearly about this, you may notice some mistakes you have made, but overall, if you feel that you did the best that you could, this feeling is not justified at all!
Sometimes during this process, you also go through a stage that you are BETTER than that person, such as She was not worthy of me anyways, so good luck and good riddance to you! and that is ALSO your ego trying to intimidate you, or falsely pacify you. Whether this is wrong or not, I cannot determine 100% certainly yet, although I am starting to feel more negative towards this phenomenon, however, it is just your way to make you feel better with it and deal with it, no matter how twisted it is.
Then there is anger. The anger of being dumped (or that someone died, or whatever…). One way I deal with loss like this is to vent my anger on my Rugby ball, or put on some angry music such as Rammstein or Radiohead (a little milder) on full blast, and shout as loud as I can to get it out of my system. This seems to work wonderfully for me, and I often feel a lot better after such a session. It does not last forever though, and when I feel that way again, I just follow the procedure again. It is better than letting it bundle up inside me and become a walking time bomb…
I am still trying to figure out any additional steps, not sure if there are any, and I am sure that the order in which any of these happen is not fixed. Some may experience the anger first, or others the self-loathing for being inferior.
I have disabled comments on my blog posts, simply because I like to write my thoughts down first, and then if I have thought about this myself, I may open it up for comments from others, to see what they think about my problem/philosophy/thought/whatever. So – if you have a comment to leave me, for now, use the contact form.
I strongly believe in what Descartes said: I think, therefore I am. If I let everyone else solve my problems for me, I am violating that rule. I let others think for me, and therefore they are. Of course, they have the right to be, but I should not allow them to be at the expense of myself, or on my behalf 😉 Okay – that may have some potential for a philosophy or psychological topic as well. Maybe more later 🙂